do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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