My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
