the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
