Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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