Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
MIDGETS
????
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
