Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
