The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
