Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize