Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I need a burrito and a hug.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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