and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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