Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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