its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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