So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
