my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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