I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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