Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
