So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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