My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
