If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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