my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Green mimosas i think yes
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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