i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
