I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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