It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
