she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
