M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
