mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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