I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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