I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
