i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
