I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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