I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
