if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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