Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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