you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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