she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
