You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
