fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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