Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize