Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The uberlube is also flammable
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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