I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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