Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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