I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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