Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize