i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Found the puke drawer
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize