It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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