I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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