Will you blow on my dice?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
