Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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