I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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