how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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