Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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