so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
