Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
