I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
