if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
