Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
