i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
