Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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