Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
