I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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