im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
