I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
