You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
