no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
