Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
