she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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