Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Someone signed my nipple.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
