I think my fart just growled at me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
