I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize