So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
