I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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