Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
