At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
