I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
