I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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