The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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