my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
