as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
